Look, Mommy, I'm a catcher

2 children are much more difficult than one child. It’s rare that you get a single second to yourself. So when either of the kids are out of sight and quiet for a stretch of time, you tend not to question it. Finally, a second of peace and quiet. I’m going to sit on the couch and stare straight ahead and enjoy the silence. Let me tell you from experience that this is, in fact the wrong response. Be suspicious. Silence may seem harmless, when really, if a child is running around naked and singing at the top of his lungs while in the same room, at least you can see what is happening before it’s too late. I’ll be the first to admit that when Boy is in a different room and quiet, I usually happily enjoy it and prepare myself for the repercussions.

Mommy was recently put into one of these situations. It had been an incredibly long day within an especially long week. Boy had probably been running around naked and singing at the top of his lungs while Girl egged him on. So when Boy went upstairs and was quiet for a stretch of time, she made the choice to deal with the repercussions. I’ve certainly been there. After a period of time, Mommy started to worry. Here’s when you need to make a decision. Do I go and check on him or do I plead ignorance? Our house is a small Cape. The stairs going up are in the middle of the house, straight up. You can’t see up the stairs from the living room, you need to go to the bottom of the stairs to look up.

Mommy? Mommy? Mommy! MOMMY! I’M A CATCHER! We’re Red Sox fans in my house. We watch a lot of the games together. Boy loves to play baseball in the backyard. His favorite player is Jason Varitek. Mommy is on the nervous side at this point. Oh, no, what has he gotten into. She gets to the bottom of the stairs and looks up. Boy had (well, I’m not exactly sure how to say this but I’ll try) gotten into Mommy’s feminine products for her monthly friend. As an ignorant man, please bear with me. They are the external kind with the sticker on one side (Mommy note: they are called panty liners, Daddy note: I’m a bit of an idiot when it comes to this stuff, luckily I have some time before Girl will be embarrassed by my male-centricity, I also don’t much care for the term “panty”). He is wearing nothing but underwear and a whole box of feminine hygiene products. He had removed the sticker strips and stuck them all up both of his legs horizontally, like a catcher’s shin guards. He had them going up his chest, like Jason Varitek’s chest protector. And he had a look of pride on his face from being so clever in his dress up moment. I don’t remember, but I’m sure he next asked Mommy to go outside to play baseball.

How do I know the look on his face you ask? That is because Mommy was quick and smart enough to go right for the camera. She snaps a couple pictures and then my phone rings at the office. All I hear on the other end of the phone line is laughter. Next I receive the email with the pics. I’m not sure if I’m more proud of his creative thinking or the fact that he likes to put safety first.

Get Up Offa That Thing

So this kid's music stuff may, in fact, cause my head to explode. Like pretty much everything in a toddler's life, listening to music is an act of repetition. If Girl likes a song, she needs to hear it over and over. And over. We have taught her some sign language. Her favorite sign is "more". As in more of that song that is about to cause Daddy's head to explode. So I thought I'd go ahead and write about some of the children's musical tastes and what I deem more acceptable. Music that is not classified as kid's music. No Laurie Berkner. No Hot Peas 'N Butter. No Charlie Pickles.

Heavy Metal. First of all, I don't want to get into any kind of debate as to what Heavy Metal is or isn't so I'll give a few examples of what I mean. AC/DC "Back in Black". Ozzy Osbourne "Crazy Train". Black Sabbath "Iron Man". This is the stuff to crank when you're looking to start the living room dance party. Girl is more of a head banger. I think it's because of the long hair. It gets good and messy as she swings her head forward and backwards. Boy breaks out the moves to make James Brown smile down from the heavens. Suddenly he's in just underwear and it's all hips and arms. He's all about shaking the moneymaker. Very jerky, but effective. They both seem to have great rhythm with the metal.

The singer/songwriters. First, Johnny Cash. Sure, his themes are more about "drinking in the morning" and "hoppin' a train to run from the law" rather than "pockets full of sunshine" and "rain boots for puddle splashing" but the spirit behind his songs are the same as the spirit behind the kid's music. Simple chords and songs to sing along to. Next, The Beatles. Classic melodies. Great car music. Bright, upbeat, fun. So what if Sir Paul smoked a j in the bathroom of Buckingham Palace before he met the queen. The kids don't know this. This genre is Boy's kind of music. He loves to sing along. Also of note: Ben Harper, Bob Dylan, Bruce Springsteen, Elvis Presley (although "Burning Love" tends to fit into the dance party mix).

Latin and world music. Here is where Girl's musical tastes lie. I have absolutely no clue where this comes from, but she loves this stuff. When that iPod commercial that used the song "Mi Swing Es Tropical" by Quantic & Nickodemus (yes, I had to look that up) would come on the TV the world would stop. Girl would freeze whatever she was doing and turn to face the TV and point. Even Elmo would get dropped mid-tickle. A side to side dance would occur. The commercial would end. She would yell at me and sign "more". These kids are never gonna know a world without Tivo, so they know I can rewind it and play it again. Over and over.

Dance music. When Boy was younger it was all about the Vengaboys "We Like the Party". You may remember this song from the Six Flags commercial with the creepy old dude. For Girl it's all about "I Like to Move It". Especially at the end of the movie Madagascar. She gets completely sucked into the rhythm. I like to move it move it. I like to move it move it. I like to (long pause inserted here) move it. Both Girl and Boy have the timing down perfectly on the pause before the chorus' final move it. We all sing it together. Dance dance dance pause dance.

Punk. At the end of the movie "Over the Hedge" Ben Folds does a version of "Lost in the Supermarket" which is also on "London Calling" by the Clash. Punk is a perfect fit for Boy where Daddy represents "THE MAN" and forcing him to put his pants on is what's "KEEPING HIM DOWN".

Finally, funk and soul. James Brown already got a mention earlier. Put The Hardest Working Man in Show Business on and Boy channels the Godfather's footwork. I'm thinking of getting him a velvet and satin robe so I can cover him up when he gets too tired and walk him up to bed. Only for him to throw the robe off, sit on the couch and demand we watch "Mythbusters".

Sure, there's a place for Raffi. Just not when I'm around. Why punish yourself when the kids don't know any better as to whether or not the music is meant for them. Plus, by the time they are teenagers they'll be much cooler to their friends with their musical knowledge. Isn't that what it's all about? Who am I kidding? By then it will be old man Daddy's music.

I'm not exactly lovin' it

There are certain things that are so iconic that even a 4-year old knows their meaning. At least the meaning that they have assigned said icon. We're completely inundated with commercials, it's hard not to pick up on these things. Driving down the road, Boy has always had the ability to spot a Dunkin' Donuts from miles away. It's either stop or deal with the wrath of whine from Boy not getting his donut. But who doesn't love a donut every now and then? I just don't like having to change my driving routes to avoid the whine.

Which brings me to the Golden Arches. They are everywhere. We all have our own individual feeling towards them. Me? I think of fries. Fries good. Boy? He thinks differently. We pass a set of arches while driving the other day. "That's McDonald's. I don't like McDonald's. I don't like the clown." It's just that simple.

Barrettes are not cheaper than haircuts

I don't believe in cutting Baby Girl's hair. Mommy talked me into giving her hair a trim once about a year ago. It will keep it out of her eyes she says. I know it's silly, but I was disappointed for a week. Not to mention we're now months behind in growing it out, so really it just prolonged how much time her hair is in her eyes. Mommy disputes this point. So anyway, Girl's hair is getting long which creates hair situations. A 2-year old isn't exactly the neatest when it comes to paint, food and the such. Things get in there. So we must do something to get her hair away from her face. Now, getting some sort of hair accessory into a 2-year-old's hair is difficult. She doesn't sit still for anything. We have tried many different things. Clips, bobby pins. Well, let's be honest, here's where my knowledge of little girl's hair basically ends. I'm not sure I even know what a bobby pin is. So I must trust those in the know. Namely, Mommy. And she tells me that after the exhaustive research of hair products sold at the Claire's in the mall, that the best solution is these little clips she's found at some random little baby clothes boutique a half an hour away. You squeeze them to open. Let go to close. (Mommy note: they are called alligator clips) Pretty intuitive. Especially with a squirming child. I've only poked her in the eye once or twice. They stay on her head pretty well, when she is not being funny pulling them out. They fall off after a certain amount of play anyway, but luckily they are easy to put back in. If you can find them. Mommy keeps buying more as we lose them. I keep randomly finding them around the house. Mommy gets excited every time. It's like I'm finding a Jim Rice rookie baseball card the way she reacts. Different colors and patterns elicit different levels of excitement.

Here's where it gets difficult. These things are not easy to find. Mommy calls the store she buys them from her "supplier". She has spent somewhere between $50 and $100. At least that's what I've been told, which makes me think we're closer to $200 at this point. We, of course, have to have them for all the different outfits. Rainbow stripes. Bright green plaid. White for spring. Yes, they are all quite adorable. Now, I'm a dude, so I immediately think to myself, wouldn't it be easier to just buy 10 black ones to go with everything? Not to mention the black won't show the crap she gets in her hair. I'm learning to keep these thoughts to myself. Now the store (The supplier) goes out of business. Why wouldn't it? This, of course, causes all sorts of commotion. (It's like when my favorite Design markers were discontinued. The ones with the aluminum bodies and Xylene in them) Now the Gramdmothers get involved. Finally, Grammy finds a place at her mall that has them. They cost 6 bucks for 2. I think one of them has Hello Kitty on it. Problem is, she thinks the dude at the kiosk swindled her out of a 20. So really, they cost 16 bucks. She didn't have it in her to argue. Really, it just adds to the mystique of Girl's barrettes. So now, there's no way I'm ever allowing any sort of cute haircut. I'm in way too deep.

The day Mommy almost inadvertantly ruined barbecue

Halloween, late afternoon. Mommy is helping Boy put on his Halloween costume to go out trick or treating. He's a pirate. Auntie made great pirate costumes for both Boy and Girl. As Mommy is putting on Boy's pirate vest, she bumps his ribs. Owww. Oh I'm sorry Mommy says, did I bump your ribs? Boy looks concerned. His face falls. Ribs? People Ribs? We eat people ribs? It dawned on me that the only experience Boy has with ribs are pork ribs. I like to break out the smoker and make ribs a couple times a year. Boy goes to town on them. Good times. He never gave any thought to the idea that he, himself, also has ribs. He suddenly went back in time to the last time he ate ribs and in his 4-year old mind, for one split second he thought that he had actually eaten people ribs. We explained that he has people ribs, we don't eat people ribs.