I want to enjoy the World Cup. I really do. I want to be a global citizen. I want to see what all the other countries see. Unfortunately, I can't. Heck, I even played soccer as a kid, so I get the sport. However, as an American I had no chance. The way I was brought up experiencing sports on television negated any hope of understanding or enjoying soccer as a spectator sport. So, I decided to write down a few tips to tailor the experience to an American audience who grew up on the NFL, MLB, NHL and NBA.
#1 Add multiple cameras
Have you watched the NFL recently? I would rather sit at home and watch the game on my giant high def TV than schlep out to a stadium. I really get to experience the action. There are 50 cameras. Some on wires over the action. They bring me down to the field. The show me the game from directly overhead via the blimp cam. Why does soccer have what seems like a single camera that slowly scans the field back and forth? The action kind of moves. It's blobby. Can we not afford a few more angles? Is a director too much to ask? I'm speaking directly to you, Fox. Make it happen.
#2 Allow timeouts
I am used to quick bursts of sports action followed by breaks. I don't have an attention span. Basketball has quarters. Baseball has innings. Break it up a little for me. Give me little chunks of soccer. Not only will timeouts give me a chance to get a drink, they will allow for a little coaching. A chance to run some plays. Do the coaches even need to be there during the game? It seems as if they just watch. Bring them off the field. Motivate. Give me some in the huddle shots of some guy with a white board screaming in spanish. Add some clock management.
#3 The extra time confusion
Really, can we not afford to have the time kept by someone on the sideline so that we can all see how much is left? America is goal oriented. When we shoot baskets in our driveways, we count down from 5 so we can launch a 3 to win an imaginary playoff game against the Lakers. 3,2,1 and the Celtics win the Finals. Not soccer. It goes into injury time and then all of the sudden the game/half is over. What, that's it? No last chance hail mary kick? Don't even get me started on the time counting forward, not back to zero.
#4 No flopping
I'm looking at you, Italy.
#5 More scoring
I don't know what to do here, but something drastic is necessary. Make the net bigger. Get rid of offsides. Make the field smaller. Really, if I see another game end 1-1 I'm gonna slit my throat. It's like sex without an orgasm. Ties are communist. Even the NHL figured that one out. I'm an American. I don't drink one beer. I drink as many as I can. That is how I want my scoring. In excess.
#6 The announcers
Is it so hard to get a little color up in the booth? Think Monday Night Football. Get a few loose cannons up there talking about how this player or that was out all night doing blow with a group of hookers. Bombard me with information. Instead we get the word goal yelled for 3 minutes. Or the word goal repeated seven hundred and twenty seven times. That's all you got? Are goals really that scarce. And, yes, get rid of those stupid horns. Or at least equalize them out of my television broadcast. That's do-able, right?
I am an American. It's not my fault I get more than 3 channels. Can't the soccer people understand that?
Thursday, June 17, 2010
Tuesday, January 05, 2010
The AdDaddy Family Christmas Letter
Well, it was decided this year that we’re writing a Christmas letter. I said that I would take a crack at it. If it’s anything like doing laundry, I’ll make such a mess out of it that I’ll never have to do it again.
So, here goes.
2009 was clearly a year of growth as we welcomed child number three. Baby Girl was born on July 7th. We planned poorly, as a July birth cancelled out our yearly vacation to Penobscot Bay in Maine. At least I have something to hold over her head as she gets older. Like the rest of the AdDaddy’s, Baby Girl likes to get comfortable and isn’t the best at change, so she was induced. Baby Girl weighed 7 pounds, 6 ounces at birth and came out screaming, but quickly settled into a routine of peaceful sleeping and eating. Mommy came up with the name of Baby Girl. I was involved at first, but as we got closer, I decided that I couldn’t think of any more names, so I sold the baby’s naming rights to Mommy for three chicken pot pies. A good deal if you ask me. Baby Girl has a beautiful name and I enjoy chicken pot pies more than I enjoy stressing over the ultimate decision of naming our third child. Baby Girl’s middle name is in honor of our beloved grandmother who passed away late in 2008. We miss her very much. Baby Girl is a beautiful baby. She looks just like me. The AdDaddy genes are strong. However, like Boy and Girl, Baby Girl is fortunate enough to have her mother’s eyes. Currently, Baby Girl is doing all of the things a baby her age is supposed to do. Smiling, laughing, babbling, rolling over, we’re even on the verge of starting to feed her solid food.
Girl, now four, continues to be Daddy’s little girl. I wish I could pretend that I don’t love the fact that she comes to me when she cries, but I do. She is having a great year developmentally. She continues to ride horses and her language is expanding daily. So much so that at times I can’t get a word in edgewise. She is full of energy and will be starting gymnastics in the new year to hopefully burn some of it off. We brim with pride everyday as we watch her grow. Girl is in preschool at the Collicott School. She is very social and seems to have a new boyfriend every week. She enjoys holding hands and long walks around the playground. Girl is incredibly happy to be a big sister. In fact, we suspect she thinks that she is actually Baby Girl’s Mommy. Girl is clearly in charge. She reads to Baby Girl, plays with her, even tries to feed her. Hey, the less the real Mommy and I have to do the better. Girl is really looking forward to Christmas. She is infatuated with Santa. Ironically, when she is within thirty feet of him at the mall, she covers her head and trembles. He is like the Beatles. Or I guess like the Jonas Brothers. I’m gonna need to know these things soon.
Boy is now six. He has his father’s skills at math and listening. He intuitively understands arithmetic but needs to be told seventeen times to brush his teeth. Boy is enjoying kindergarten at the Cunningham School. I am impressed daily with his advancements in reading, writing and drawing. Boy also started playing town soccer this year. I really got a kick (pun intended) out of watching all the six year-olds run around after the ball. There was a range of kids. There were some who ran like heck after the ball until they fell down and others who ran like heck after imaginary butterflies until they were substituted out. Boy was somewhere in the middle. I would sit in my chair with an iced coffee and laugh the whole time. Except when I was asked to jump in and help coach. Luckily, I still have a few skills and can beat them all handily. Thank goodness we didn’t keep score. This past year was also a time for more milestones. The training wheels came off of his bike and he lost his first tooth shortly after, although the two are not related.
Mommy and I are doing fine, considering the chaos that three children create. Our evenings consist of Mommy falling asleep on the couch around 9 and me staying up until around 11 doing what I love to do, watching bad sitcoms and playing guitar. Work is busy for me. I am now the creative director at the agency I work for. My days are mostly spent in meetings and I’ve been traveling to exciting faraway places like California, Europe and Columbus, Ohio. Mommy has embarked on her new career as family chauffeur. Her days consist of shuttling me and the kids back and forth between school and the train as well as the countless number of other things that keep the house running smoothly. She continues to ask for a new car, but instead will be getting a black chauffeur’s hat and driving gloves for Christmas.
Merry Christmas. Love, Mommy, Daddy, Boy, Girl and Baby Girl
So, here goes.
2009 was clearly a year of growth as we welcomed child number three. Baby Girl was born on July 7th. We planned poorly, as a July birth cancelled out our yearly vacation to Penobscot Bay in Maine. At least I have something to hold over her head as she gets older. Like the rest of the AdDaddy’s, Baby Girl likes to get comfortable and isn’t the best at change, so she was induced. Baby Girl weighed 7 pounds, 6 ounces at birth and came out screaming, but quickly settled into a routine of peaceful sleeping and eating. Mommy came up with the name of Baby Girl. I was involved at first, but as we got closer, I decided that I couldn’t think of any more names, so I sold the baby’s naming rights to Mommy for three chicken pot pies. A good deal if you ask me. Baby Girl has a beautiful name and I enjoy chicken pot pies more than I enjoy stressing over the ultimate decision of naming our third child. Baby Girl’s middle name is in honor of our beloved grandmother who passed away late in 2008. We miss her very much. Baby Girl is a beautiful baby. She looks just like me. The AdDaddy genes are strong. However, like Boy and Girl, Baby Girl is fortunate enough to have her mother’s eyes. Currently, Baby Girl is doing all of the things a baby her age is supposed to do. Smiling, laughing, babbling, rolling over, we’re even on the verge of starting to feed her solid food.
Girl, now four, continues to be Daddy’s little girl. I wish I could pretend that I don’t love the fact that she comes to me when she cries, but I do. She is having a great year developmentally. She continues to ride horses and her language is expanding daily. So much so that at times I can’t get a word in edgewise. She is full of energy and will be starting gymnastics in the new year to hopefully burn some of it off. We brim with pride everyday as we watch her grow. Girl is in preschool at the Collicott School. She is very social and seems to have a new boyfriend every week. She enjoys holding hands and long walks around the playground. Girl is incredibly happy to be a big sister. In fact, we suspect she thinks that she is actually Baby Girl’s Mommy. Girl is clearly in charge. She reads to Baby Girl, plays with her, even tries to feed her. Hey, the less the real Mommy and I have to do the better. Girl is really looking forward to Christmas. She is infatuated with Santa. Ironically, when she is within thirty feet of him at the mall, she covers her head and trembles. He is like the Beatles. Or I guess like the Jonas Brothers. I’m gonna need to know these things soon.
Boy is now six. He has his father’s skills at math and listening. He intuitively understands arithmetic but needs to be told seventeen times to brush his teeth. Boy is enjoying kindergarten at the Cunningham School. I am impressed daily with his advancements in reading, writing and drawing. Boy also started playing town soccer this year. I really got a kick (pun intended) out of watching all the six year-olds run around after the ball. There was a range of kids. There were some who ran like heck after the ball until they fell down and others who ran like heck after imaginary butterflies until they were substituted out. Boy was somewhere in the middle. I would sit in my chair with an iced coffee and laugh the whole time. Except when I was asked to jump in and help coach. Luckily, I still have a few skills and can beat them all handily. Thank goodness we didn’t keep score. This past year was also a time for more milestones. The training wheels came off of his bike and he lost his first tooth shortly after, although the two are not related.
Mommy and I are doing fine, considering the chaos that three children create. Our evenings consist of Mommy falling asleep on the couch around 9 and me staying up until around 11 doing what I love to do, watching bad sitcoms and playing guitar. Work is busy for me. I am now the creative director at the agency I work for. My days are mostly spent in meetings and I’ve been traveling to exciting faraway places like California, Europe and Columbus, Ohio. Mommy has embarked on her new career as family chauffeur. Her days consist of shuttling me and the kids back and forth between school and the train as well as the countless number of other things that keep the house running smoothly. She continues to ask for a new car, but instead will be getting a black chauffeur’s hat and driving gloves for Christmas.
Merry Christmas. Love, Mommy, Daddy, Boy, Girl and Baby Girl
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