World Cup Runneth Under

I want to enjoy the World Cup. I really do. I want to be a global citizen. I want to see what all the other countries see. Unfortunately, I can't. Heck, I even played soccer as a kid, so I get the sport. However, as an American I had no chance. The way I was brought up experiencing sports on television negated any hope of understanding or enjoying soccer as a spectator sport. So, I decided to write down a few tips to tailor the experience to an American audience who grew up on the NFL, MLB, NHL and NBA.

#1 Add multiple cameras
Have you watched the NFL recently? I would rather sit at home and watch the game on my giant high def TV than schlep out to a stadium. I really get to experience the action. There are 50 cameras. Some on wires over the action. They bring me down to the field. The show me the game from directly overhead via the blimp cam. Why does soccer have what seems like a single camera that slowly scans the field back and forth? The action kind of moves. It's blobby. Can we not afford a few more angles? Is a director too much to ask? I'm speaking directly to you, Fox. Make it happen.

#2 Allow timeouts
I am used to quick bursts of sports action followed by breaks. I don't have an attention span. Basketball has quarters. Baseball has innings. Break it up a little for me. Give me little chunks of soccer. Not only will timeouts give me a chance to get a drink, they will allow for a little coaching. A chance to run some plays. Do the coaches even need to be there during the game? It seems as if they just watch. Bring them off the field. Motivate. Give me some in the huddle shots of some guy with a white board screaming in spanish. Add some clock management.

#3 The extra time confusion
Really, can we not afford to have the time kept by someone on the sideline so that we can all see how much is left? America is goal oriented. When we shoot baskets in our driveways, we count down from 5 so we can launch a 3 to win an imaginary playoff game against the Lakers. 3,2,1 and the Celtics win the Finals. Not soccer. It goes into injury time and then all of the sudden the game/half is over. What, that's it? No last chance hail mary kick? Don't even get me started on the time counting forward, not back to zero.

#4 No flopping
I'm looking at you, Italy.

#5 More scoring
I don't know what to do here, but something drastic is necessary. Make the net bigger. Get rid of offsides. Make the field smaller. Really, if I see another game end 1-1 I'm gonna slit my throat. It's like sex without an orgasm. Ties are communist. Even the NHL figured that one out. I'm an American. I don't drink one beer. I drink as many as I can. That is how I want my scoring. In excess.

#6 The announcers
Is it so hard to get a little color up in the booth? Think Monday Night Football. Get a few loose cannons up there talking about how this player or that was out all night doing blow with a group of hookers. Bombard me with information. Instead we get the word goal yelled for 3 minutes. Or the word goal repeated seven hundred and twenty seven times. That's all you got? Are goals really that scarce. And, yes, get rid of those stupid horns. Or at least equalize them out of my television broadcast. That's do-able, right?

I am an American. It's not my fault I get more than 3 channels. Can't the soccer people understand that?